I like ianthe. But in the real world, they call me Livy,
which I guess is pretty enough. in.a.minute is how I approach a great many things.
I'm 23 and live in Melbourne, Australia. Email,
of course, is optional. However, the
guestbook is mandatory.
in.a.minute we have but minutes to live
Sunday, March 31, 2002
at 10:55 PM Won't you just .. lighten up Miserable. Upset. Worried and sad. Heartsick. Wretched. Angry and moody.
I don't know why.
I wish ... I wish ... I just wish, I guess.
Saturday, March 30, 2002
at 9:31 PM Bleh The brat's new car has been christened. It is hereby known as Matthew. Incidentally, Matthew is a Toyota Corolla Ascent.
It was The Young Boy's birthday on Thursday. The boys and I all had late classes, or work, or something, so we couldn't celebrate it on the day with him. We're taking him on a picnic tomorrow and stuffing him with all kinds of food, and watching him grow tall and big.
I'm in no mood to write anything remotely witty tonight, or writing anything at all.
I just want to be.
Friday, March 29, 2002
at 10:36 PM *insert swear words here* Knowing, for certain now, that there are other folks that actually read this, besides dear Joyce ....
*tears at hair*
*place shaking hand over palpitating heart*
*struggles not to swoon*
*claps other hand to mouth*
Damn, I have to be all proper now.
at 10:13 PM Eww He just referred to this page as 'rant and babber'.
Meanie.
at 4:11 PM Wilt thou be mine, o sweet pretty thing? I am absolutely enamoured with Vanessa.
Yes, I named it. It's such a pretty little thing, I had to. I just had to. Look at it's pretty icy blue casing, sitting upon my desk, so small, so light, so pretty! Only 86g!! Slipped it into the pockets of my trakky dags, and barely knew it was there.
The Young Boy chortled, "It's her new toy!"
I'm agreeing with him there.
Oh, such a sweet thing is Vanessa.
You're lucky it isn't a car. With a car, y'll will die of boredom.
Wait till I get my hands on Sarah Jane*. You'll hear all about it then!
I must christened the brat's new car soon.
* Sarah Jane is the sweet car the brat drives in Malaysia.
Thursday, March 28, 2002
at 1:53 PM Titles suck, disband it now Chadstone is a wonderful, wonderful place for a shopaholic. So many stores, so many things to see. There's even food courts - two of them! Or are there more?
at 1:39 PM Something is rotten in the state of Denmark I had my glorious sleep. I ate food. I refrained from too much excitement. I drank cool, pure as near can be water. I even ate breakfast this morning.
So, why do I suddenly feel so fatigued? I'm dying to collapse into bed and sleep and sleep some more. But I have a Chemistry workshop to go to. So I'm stuck at uni, pinching and slapping at my cheeks to keep awake.
Something's wrong. Weird body I'm inhabiting.
Something is wrong in the state of Denmark!
Think I'll switch to a vegetarian diet.
Wednesday, March 27, 2002
at 10:15 PM *pulls self along* Tired. Sleepy. Bed is an inviting spot right now.
So what am I doing in front of the computer?
Heh. Who knows?
Tuesday, March 26, 2002
at 6:21 PM Cold Stupid, crazy Melbourne weather. Yesterday, hot like anything. Today, cold like anything. Stupid.
Still at uni. Don't want to go home yet. Instead, icq'ing back and forth with Thorny. Oh, the wonders of ICQ Lite.
Delaying, just delaying. I must leave soon to catch my train. Must leave soon. Or it'll be nine by the time I get home. Must leave soon.
Hang on. Wait first.
Must leave soon. Tonight must have early night. Tomorrow, preliminary visit to school. Must be awake the whole time I'm at the school. No slumping over supervisor's table in front of twenty five impressionable and dangerous kids.
Tonight cannot go online and chat till late. Must be alert and not bleary-eyed tomorrow. Also must not have bags under eyes for the brat's graduation pictures. Also no falling asleep at ceremony because of the boring-ness.
No online session. *pout*
Must leave now.
*drags self off*
at 12:40 PM Bah Supposed to be doing constructive work, but am totally glued to this chair and to the computer.
Procastinating. That's what five hour breaks will do to you. Will be buggered, and not fit for company when I get home tonight.
OMG, preliminary visit to the schools tomorrow. Must go prepare self. In fact, must email coordinator! OMG!
*frenzied activity*
at 12:02 PM Haha From Jan Ee's (a complete stranger) 100 Random Things about him:
22. I don't like driving in Malaysia cos a lot of people leave their brains at home when they drive out.
That is so, so true!
But then, sometimes I leave my brains at home, no matter where I am!
There was this one time I stopped at a green light. I didn't realise it until Superduperglorious Friend said, "Um, dear. It's green."
"Oh." *blink* "Ohhhhhh."
That wasn't a one-off occasion, either.
I like doing silly, scatter brained stuff like that.
I think Guyfriend finds it endearing, not to mention hilariously stupid.
at 7:58 AM Give me my face back! "OI! I'm leaving NOW," Jason yelled from the back door.
"I'm coming!" I grumbled, and lugged my stuff unwillingly behind me. 7 in the morning is not a good time for me.
Got into the brat's spanking new car (which he just picked up yesterday and loves it to death and has absolutely refused to let me drive it), feeling absolutely rushed and harried and feeling as though I'd forgotten something.
I did.
My face.
I'd smacked on foundation, and a little lipgloss. But no mascara!! I feel naked without it. I'm not dressed!! It's a tragedy!! An absolute tear jerker!!
I like being a girl. *bounce*
Wasn't Halle Berry a little sad, and a little funny at the same time, last night?
It's comfy. I should do a Yappie and cart it home. Yappie casually grabbed a student chair from the computer labs somewhere around uni a few years back and strolled home with it.
She looks interesting. Chemistry oriented. Admirable.
I'm beginning to think I really shouldn't be teaching Chemistry, despite a piece of paper that says I've graduated from Engineering (Chemical)(Honours). I'm a dunce. I should be in the corner, wearing a silly pointy hat.
I have to go do some work.
at 9:06 AM Go, Nicole, go Crossing fingers, toes, legs, everything for Nicole. Wasn't Moulin Rouge great? Wasn't The Others stunningly scary, and powerful?
Russell Crowe can go sink in the deepest part of the the Pacific Ocean. He's not even an Aussie. He's a blasted Kiwi!
"They were giving evidence in the case of Malaysian national Bee Lang Tan, charged with importing up to $1.2 million worth of pirated DVDs to Australia after 35,000 copied movies and computer equipment were seized from her Clayton South home and two other addresses."
"...This week Mr Howes will fly to Malaysia to speak to government officials about curbing the illegal movie trade."
*buries VCDs brought back from Malaysia in the backyard*
Oo-er.
at 2:38 PM Brash yellow That's the colour of the day right now. Brash, bold yellow. Blinding, and skin burningly yellow. Perfect washing day. A day for dragging the doonas and pillows out to air. A day the Aussies dash off to the beach in glee to cavort in the ocean. Meanwhile, I curse the dryness and spend the day desperately trying to keep cool.
It's late March. It's autumn! Daylight savings ends next weekend. We're supposed to get pretty 20°C weather and cool breezes. Not frigging 33°C and burning heat!
Sigh, the last gasps of summer.
I'm going to stand in the blessed coolness of the fridge's doorway.
Odd sentence.
Have to check on The Young Boy. He'd better not be cavorting outside.
".... I can still hear his laughing voice as he teased me and everyone else. I remember him singing, his voice stilling me as I savoured the light liquidness. I can still see him slouching in his seat, his arms on the back of the chair, my hand on his knee as I leant forward to talk to him. I can still feel him stroking my hair, his face close to mine, my head fitting perfectly in the crook of his neck.
I remember the outer shell of him, the him that I found so attractive when I first met him. Then I remember no more. I cling to the bittersweet past of him, unable to let go. at least, for now."
- [March 27, 2001]
I've moved on to better things now. He's a fond memory now, someone that I had to meet to better appreciate the guy I met a few months later.
Friday, March 22, 2002
at 10:18 PM Look up, look out Hard to see Jason as 'only' being 21. Hard to remember me as 22. Hard to believe I'm in my early twenties. Hard to imagine me an adult at all.
Jason's quitting his part time job at the ice cream distribution company. No more free ice cream. Sad. He starts a full time job in about two weeks in a field he obtained a degree in - accountancy. It's great for him, and I'm immensely proud of my sometimes jackass of a younger brother.
But it only serves to remind me of my age. It's depressing.
Heh. Who cares? I'm going to stay a kid all my life. It's fun! I'll look perpetually young, and they'll always have to demand to look at ID whenever I wander into a pub/casino/over-18 joints. That'll be a constant source of amusement to me.
I should have been working as an engineer by now. Thank goodness I'm not.
1. What is your favorite time of year? Not summer. Spring is good, winter lovely. Autumn, when the leaves fall and coats are slowly being pulled on, and long boots are being strutted out. That's nice.
2. What is it about your favorite season that, well, makes it your favorite season? Heh. I just answered that. Summer heat's gone, it's cool enough to alternate between skirts and pants without having to bother about stockings and socks. Summery pastel colours are out and I can wear my favourite colours - earth tones and jewels.
3. What is your least favorite time of year? Why? Summer. I is puteri lilin. I wear a hat or take an umbrella wherever I go in the summer. Sweating is not a good look either.
4. Do you do anything to celebrate or recognize the changing of seasons? Other than splurging on new clothes, no.
5. What's your favorite thing to do outside? Grubbing among my roses and pansies and stuff. Sitting in the park, feeling the slight breeze on my face, watching the world go by.
Thursday, March 21, 2002
at 2:27 PM Ye be needing some sleep, then? Yes. I be needing some sleep. I be needing lots of sleep. I be needing lots and lots of sleep so I don't slump over on the table in one of my workshops, dead with exhaustion.
Wednesday, March 20, 2002
at 12:24 PM Sparing two hours Coffee with the MCP yesterday was good. But must learn to modulate volume of voice, and be wary of diction slip-ups and tongue tripping over itself.
Must have coffee with the MCP really soon. Wonder if it's a good idea to call the Jackass too. Perhaps, a reunion of the design team is a good idea.
No, bad idea. I might be tempted to wring Jackass' neck within ten minutes of him opening his mouth.
at 12:03 PM Dagger eyes I've said it before, and I will say it again. I hate you. You're too lucky for words.
I wouldn't mind a new Nokia 5210 too.
26 more sleeps to teaching rounds.
4 more sleeps before the arrival of the parents and The Young Boy.
*frantically tidying house up*
Needing a good night's sleep.
Tuesday, March 19, 2002
at 10:04 PM No It's too hard. I can't do this. It's just too hard. It's too painful.
I give away a bit of my soul for it not to return, leaving me to patch the gaping hole as best I can with stones and bricks and bits of solid mortar.
Sometimes, my pillow is damp.
at 8:48 PM Flat out flat "My bonnie lies over the ocean,
My bonnie lies over the sea,
My bonnie lies over the ocean,
Oh, bring back my bonnie to ... "
Well, yes. Hmm. Yes. Singing Robert Burns'ish songs deliberately flat is great fun, and amusing.
*skips about*
"My booooooonnnie lies over the oooooooooceaaaaaaaaannnnnn ... "
How come I'm considered an undergrad when B. Teaching is a graduate entry pre-service course? Shouldn't I be like a postgrad thing?
In my Business Studies class today.
Liz: You're from Asia, Olivia. Whereabouts in Asia?
Liv: Malaysia.
Liz: Yeah. How'd you say hello in Malaysian?
(Always amazed me how 'foreigners' say Malaysian instead of Malay. Perhaps they haven't been informed. One Indonesian coursemate always referred to Malaysia as Malay for some reason, though).
Liv: Umm. Selamat pagi for good morning. Selamat malam for good night.
Hank: Where would you use the 'lah' thing?
Liv: *laughs* The prefix thing or whatever it is?
Hank: Well, yeah. I always hear it around.
Liv: Malaysians, and Singaporeans use it a lot, after everything. I use it a lot myself, especially when I'm talking with my Malaysian friends.
Hank: How do you use it? Give us an example. Go on.
Liv: *laughs* Hmm. Okay. A friend says something funny. I would go "Serious? No, lah. Where got?!"
Hank and Liz burst out laughing, at the comic waggling of my eyebrows.
Liz: That's funny!
at 7:44 AM Shuttered windows, mourning plastic The Ansett building on the corner of Swanston and Franklin is all shuttered up and dark. Looks old, and sad.
Monday, March 18, 2002
at 2:42 PM Eh, trouble Mum rang while Brother #2 and I were out last night. Brother #1 announced, "She's annoyed," when I asked him what she said.
Annoyed? Eh. Why?
"Not supposed to be out at this hour."
Eh. Why?
Brother #1 shrugged. I turned to Brother #2. "It's not like we do this every night, right?"
Brother #2 shrugged too and went to bed. I slumped into my big cushy European pillow and made guilty faces at the ceiling.
I put this to you. One annoyed comment from the parents and I turn into a complete child once more, instead of the almost, or should at least pretend to be, adult me. After all, how old am I?!
Eh. I forget.
I just had to get out last night. Like I just had to get out two nights before that. Like I probably have to get out tonight. I don't feel like it, but maybe I should turn up to wish 'Happy Housewarming'. Eugh. It's a school night. But it's Belle. Mum'll yak at me. But I haven't seen Belle in a bit. It's a school night. But it's Belle. I wouldn't know anyone besides Belle and Kyle, and even then Kyle I don't know too well. It's in Oakleigh. Farish. Hey, but Em used to live there. Oh, but Belle wants me to go.
Vicious cycles.
Forget it. Must go attack a vending machine to soothe a grumpy stomach before class.
at 2:30 PM Crazy talk And I did. Laugh. Smirk. Giggle.
Oooh, headache. Hungry. About to turn cranky. But, who cares?! Jia's back!
I would turn cartwheels down the aisle between the computers if I knew how.
at 2:27 PM Extra, extra! Jia's back! I can laugh insanely in the middle of the afternoon in a computer lab full of students studying really hard again!
Sunday, March 17, 2002
at 2:29 PM Funeral Blues, W. H. Auden Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.
Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.
He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever; I was wrong.
The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood,
For nothing now can ever come to any good.
How does that not move you? A heart breaks with 'For nothing now can ever come to any good'.
Friday, March 15, 2002
at 9:11 PM << Framing >> Picture this. A glass of water, stained with fingerprints, sitting on a white window sill. Look out the less than sparkling glass window. Look out and see a neat backyard, the lawn a precise square. On the edge, look to see a pretty lemon tree, festooned with bright yellow balls of lemons. Wander your eyes around the backyard, slowly now, slowly. See that fat white furry cat by the screened back door. See how it sleeps the sleep of the contented.
Grip the window sill. Yes, push the box away. I don't mind it. Push yourself onto tippy toes and arch your neck to try to see over the old tired fence. Can you see it? There, you can see the red bricks edging the neat lawn. Strain some more. Look, you can just spot the big Savoy cabbages and the rows of beans. Careful now, don't lose your balance. Slowly does it.
There, it's my neighbour's backyard, from my window. It's a calming sight.
Wednesday, March 13, 2002
at 8:15 PM << A life after that >> Trudged up Swanston Street towards RMIT with a vague plan to see if I could get my Design Project off the coordinator. Walked past the huge hole in the ground next to the State Library. A gap opened up between the pedesterians and I spotted A. My jaw dropped.
"Oi. OMG, I just emailed you yesterday," I squealed.
A. gesticulated. "You're back! I was going to email you."
"OMG! I saw you yesterday, while I was on the tram, outside City Baths! OMG. I emailed you to see if you and T. wanted to have coffee!"
Serendipity, maybe? A. is an ex-coursemate and a particular mate of mine. We spent many an hour sitting in cafes and coffee shops talking about how totally unsuited we were to engineering last year. We had no idea what we were going to do after graduation, but it was certainly not engineering. Three months down the track, he's doing a Masters in Finance and I'm doing B. Teaching. How about that?
I think we're happy.
Tuesday, March 12, 2002
at 12:44 PM << Yes, No, Whatever >> Yes, I have something to say. No, I have nothing to say. What do I say? Do I say this? Do I say that? What am I doing? Freewriting. They say freewriting's great. Uncensored. Flowing. Don't stop to edit. Just write. And write. Ignore the conventions of writing. Of things. Of life.
Funny how many 'things' I come up with. So many 'things' that I say. So many 'things' things that I write. It's a materialistic world after all. We, or I equate life with things. Things to accumulate. Things to have. Things to need. Things to be an individual. Things to be alive. Etc, things, etc. You get the picture.
I'm still typing furiously, or semi-furiously. It has some coherence, some structure. My head is speaking, or rather my mind. Or rather me, the me inside, instead of the me outside. The facade thing that covers the me inside. Incoherence, really, incoherence is somewhat coherent. In a way. What way? Think of the splatterings of the static, of the random thoughts in the head.
Like in the tram, looking out the window, and watching people prance, walk, rollerblade, skip down Swanston Street, in jeans and T-shirts, funky tops and halter tops, and skirts and clothes. Watching people on the lawn of the State Library and thinking, "It's a lovely day. What a lovely day. The sun is out and it's moderately warm. It's a beautiful day." And I start to sing the Fischer-Paykel theme song. "It's a lovely day today, and whatever you've got to do. It should be da-dad-ada with you. Pa-rum-badadd, yeah whatever the song it is, so long I remember the melody, it's okay. I'm singing."
Freewriting. Give it a try. Incoherence is a very good thing.
Monday, March 11, 2002
at 10:00 PM << Let the wind in >> Free up the wind, to let the air in. To let life in without stopping to correct the many instances of doubt, of mistakes, of life unsaid, of words best left unspoken. Free up the wind, to let life in again. Free up the wind and live again. Free up the wind and pause to ...... Stop the self doubts and let them flow. Out of the mindless garble of the static in the head, emerges perhaps something worth salvaging. Something worth polishing, something out of which a pretty gem may be displayed to pride and joy.
Stop a while to. Stop a while to recollect when recollecting is dangerous. Self doubt will creep and the many voices of opposite sides clash against each other in fury.
Stop a while and look back. It's enough here to stop a while and look back.
Sunday, March 10, 2002
at 1:34 PM << Warm fuzzies >> It's a sweltering 31°C - not exactly a good time to have warm fuzzies. But warm fuzzies come at the least expected times, don't they? Warm fuzzies are good. Warm fuzzies makes people happy. Warm fuzzies makes the world a better place to live in. We should have warm fuzzies everyday, even if it's 31°C outside and we're melting into goo.
Warm fuzzies today because someone protested over my choice of tops. "Nooo, you can't wear that! Or .. or I'm going to have to poke the eyes of everyone that looks at you."
When one was a little duckling in one's formative years, responses like that makes one day's when one is approaching adulthood.
1. What makes you homesick? Talking to Mum and Dad on the phone.
2. Where is "home" for you? Is it where you are living now, or somewhere else (ie: Mom & Dad's house, particular state/city)? Trick question! Deep, meaningful type question! Bad question! Home is where the heart is, as the cliche goes. My heart is with the ones I love. But the thing is, the ones I love are all over the place!
3. What makes it home for you? People? Things? People. Things. Like the smell of the humid air in Malaysia. Like the heat of the Australian sun. Like the sound of Mum and Dad pulling into the driveway. Like my books, and my words spilt on paper. Like the laughter of my brothers. Like the familiarity of surroundings.
4. Where is the furthest you've been from home, miles-wise? Uh. Christchurch, New Zealand?
5. What are your plans for this weekend? Reading readings. Doing homework. Attempting to clean. Gardening. Spending time in the sun.
Friday, March 08, 2002
at 2:14 PM << Barely can I stand >> It's been a struggle to keep vital today. It's been a struggle to keep vital for the past few days. I wake up, unrefreshed and tired. I get to school, and then I'm fine because I'm doing something I love. Then, on the way home, the fatigue catches up with me and I get home tired and cranky. I skip dinner, appetite just isn't there, and I just want to sleep and sleep.
I religiously take my five tablets of Spirulina when I have school. Other days, I don't expend as much energy so sometimes I don't take it. But still, even with my five tablets of Spirulina, I get home, very tired. Imagine if I didn't take them! I would be just a blob by the end of the day. Now, Mum is suggesting I take CoEnzyme Q10. Isn't that a heart vitamin supplement?
The boys and I are meant to go down to the city tonight. The way I'm feeling, I'm not sure it'll be good for me. On the other hand, I need to get out of the house, and live among the people again.
Thursday, March 07, 2002
at 8:51 PM << Bonn nuite, cherie! >> Amelie - c'est magnifique. I would talk about it some more, only I don't speak French. Is bonn nuite right?
at 12:34 PM << Gawd, she's beautiful, but ... >>Linda Eder is fantastic. She sings with such passion and such depth of emotion, I often weep listening to her. But one wonders about the life behind the singer for all those powerful emotions to emerge in the performance of a song.
at 11:13 AM << "What's your name, miss?" >> It becomes clearer and clearer to me I have made the right decision. With that in mind, I become more confident and happier in my life's choices, and I actually look forward to each new day, raring to up and go. It's ironic, really, since I once said I would not teach for any amount of money in the world!
We had our first session in an actual school today. A three hour orientation to the kind of conditions we would be exposed to, I guess, in our first teaching rounds which will take place after Easter. They call it 'Orientation to Teaching'. Very original, yes? Forty of us, taking four classes - so ten of us in each class, if you can't work out the maths.
I liked it, I really liked it. My partner, E. and I worked with a group of five boys, helping them develop an experiment for a science competition. We went in, slightly nervous, and came out, just bursting with enthuasiasm. The kids were great. They talked to us, they shared their ideas with us, they listened to us, they were comfortable, they were enthuasistic, they didn't talk back - much, they paid attention, and wonders of wonders, they actually decided on an experiment! Hey, don't scoff it. Do you know how hard it is to actually get kids to decide on something in a forty minute class?! E. and I were stoked!
That interaction between them and us - it gave me such a buzz! A huge buzz! I want to go back and do it all again!
The unit's meant to be about eight weeks. However, we will only be with these kids for three weeks, which is a little disappointing. I would have loved to follow them through to the end, and to see the final report. But hey, we got them started off in the right direction. Hopefully. At our debriefing later, our supervisor told us that the teacher of the class was really pleased with our group of ten. We actually achieved a great deal, more than what he could have done on his own. How about that for encouragement?!
I'm so hyped up now. It's grand! Crossing fingers, hoping next week will go just as well. It should, since E. and I have already done our lesson plan for next week. We are armed and prepared. We know what we're doing. We shall go forth and conquer.
Wednesday, March 06, 2002
at 10:21 AM << Touch >> Don't speak to me, yet please, speak to me. Stay far, far away, yet please, let me have a hug.
It's been weeks since I had a hug, or just a simple touch. Not since I hugged Mum and Dad goodbye and went through the doors to board a plane three weeks ago. Not since then.
It's stressing. I need to cry. Again. But my head won't permit it, so the headaches may return. I look forward to that with glee, indeed.
I need to cry.
Monday, March 04, 2002
at 4:44 PM << Whoa, Nelly! >> Last year, all I had to do to get to uni was hop off the train at Melbourne Central, go up the escalators, up another escalator to emerge outside on Swanston Street. I then cross at the lights, cross at right angles to that lights and wham, bang, I was at uni.
I still do the Melbourne Central thing, only nowadays, instead of crossing at the lights, I have to take a tram. Normally, ie, last week, this wasn't a problem. Today, just a teensy weensy problem. The hordes are back. Us, studious Education people started last week. The rest of the lazy buggers started today. Last week, the trams were blissfully empty. This morning, I had to let two trams go by because they were so packed. People were hanging off the steps - not exactly safe, is it?
Life was so much simpler when I went to RMIT. I was gazing wistfully at the facade of RMIT's Building 8 as the tram went past it. It didn't look so bad from where I was standing.
Life was so much simpler then.
Sunday, March 03, 2002
at 8:59 PM << Bleh >> Running out of witty titles. Brain on strike. Hate the whole world right now.
"Are you on a diet?" Jason asked nonchalantly.
"Uh, no."
"Then why are you not eating?" Why is he asking? He couldn't care less! It'll just mean more food for him, the glutton.
"Not hungry," I mumbled.
The dull pain at my lower back and around my abdomen are taking precedence over the hunger pangs. There are times when I positively dislike being a girl.
Don't make me spell it out.
At least I didn't get a migraine this time. Nope, I just turned into a horrible grump of a bitch.
at 12:53 AM << How would you define it? >> He makes me spitting mad some times. He'll be flippant when I am trying to explain my point of view. He'll try to be funny when I am not in the mood to be amused. He drives me just spitting mad.
But then he'll turn his laughing eyes to me, and I start to bend. I stifle the beginnings of a smile. I repeat that I'm mad at him, that I'm not speaking to him. As he begin to realise I am truly annoyed, he turns contrite and slight panic tinge his words, and I start to bend some more. A reluctant smile emerges and the mad fit disappears in a instant. I see his worried gaze and I want to, ever so much, to reach over and tell him he means a lot to me. Mad fits will come and go, but he'll still mean a lot to me.
But I don't.
My closest friend is miles away. I miss her physical presence, her sensible words. There is no one to talk this through, there is no one to talk me to sanity, there is no one to speak long into the night to.
Melbourne is lonely and devoid of people. But I love Melbourne. It speaks to my soul, and satisfies the cravings. But it is lonely.
Saturday, March 02, 2002
at 10:18 PM << Words hurt, thoughts kill >> When I was fifteen, someone said bitterly to me, "You're cold inside, did you know that? You don't really consider me at all."
His words left me with a permanent scar on my heart, and a firm refusal to let anyone past the walls. It also left me a deep-rooted anger towards him and his entire race. How could he have said that when at fifteen, we were just children, playing at love?
I haven't thought about those words in years. But I did, tonight.
Those words have affected me, influenced my behaviour, coloured my perceptions, and encouraged my prejudices. I cheefully insult them, discourage their advances and ignore them. I think them unworthy of trust, and deflate their egos every opportunity I get.
Ironically, I get along famously with them.
at 8:42 PM << Friday Five >> If it wasn't for Joy, I would have forgotten about this.
1. What's your favorite vacation spot? Eh. Err. Umm. *screws face up* Hmm. Hamner Springs in New Zealand is a possibility.
2. Where do you consider to be the biggest hell-hole on earth? The Saratok road in Borneo. Shockers of a highway. There's also a truck stop somewhere in Borneo that has got to have the most disgusting rest rooms in the world.
3. What would be your dream vacation? I've always wanted to see the world, but that's not a vacation. It's referred to as travelling. A vacation is anywhere I can hear myself think, anywhere isolated-ish, anywhere I can see the sun rise and set.
4. If you could go on a road-trip with anyone, who would it be and why? Not my brothers, that's for sure. They're annoying. But on second thoughts, they do make great bodyguards and bellboys.
5. What are your plans for this weekend? The usual.
Friday, March 01, 2002
at 2:18 PM << I didn't know that >> Another one of those articles about blogging, in yesterday's TheAge's Green Guide found here.
"You should be able to make links to a hastily jotted crazy idea and to link to a beautifully produced work of art. You should be able to link to a very personal page and to something available to the whole planet." -- Tim Berners-Lee, inventor of the World Wide Web
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