I like ianthe. But in the real world, they call me Livy,
which I guess is pretty enough. in.a.minute is how I approach a great many things.
I'm 23 and live in Melbourne, Australia. Email,
of course, is optional. However, the
guestbook is mandatory.
in.a.minute we have but minutes to live
Thursday, January 31, 2002
at 6:49 PM ianthe: woo hoo .. yay .. got early flight home!!!
superkumquat: ah is it? when then?
superkumquat: heh. i just noticed that you used the word home. interesting
It's interesting, alright. When did I begin to see Melbourne as home, instead of where I have been for the past 7 years?
It's not as if Malaysia isn't home. It is, in a sense. It's where I go to recharge, to see my family and to be with my entire family. But Melbourne is where my 'self' is satisfied. It's where I formed me. It's where I have some sort of an identity. It's where my accent was developed. It's where my outlook was shaped. It's where my future lies.
I feel guilty somehow. The boys and I are in Melbourne, and the parents and Darren are in Malaysia. Our family are so very seldom together under one roof, it seems wrong to be eager to get back to Melbourne.
**********
[February 9, 2001]
Ten days
Mum rang to tell me that our flight had been brought forward. So, instead of leaving in two weeks, we now leave in ten days.
Ten days.
Ten days to close this chapter of my life and to get ready for the next. Ten days to put aside the carefreeness of the past 3 months, and to now focus on the tasks and goals I have to fulfill before the year ends. Ten days to prepare myself for the coming school year, with all the hard work, pain, stress and time juggling that it entails. Ten days to detach myself from the roots I set down tentatively every year that I come home to Malaysia. Ten days to reflect on the things that I have done, on the things I have achieved, on the people that I have met, the relationships that I have fostered, the lessons that I have learnt. Ten days to think about what I want to do with the rest of my life, once this final year at uni is done.
Ten days.
**********
Wednesday, January 30, 2002
at 5:10 PM
“She left me wide eyed,
in disbelief, and disillusioned
I was tongue-tied
drawn by my conclusions
So I turned and walked away
and laughed at what she had to say
and casually dismissed her as a fraud
I forgot she was created
in the image of my God.”
- Wide eyed, Nichole Nordeman
I wish you could hear this sung. It lifted me up to feel the wind whipping at my hair, caressing my face. I had the image of me opening my arms to the world, welcoming it to my embrace without a thought of fear, while tears roll down my cheeks. Yes, tears.
The two songs I’ve heard by Nichole Nordeman do that to me. Fills me with tears and love. Makes me flow with the music, going where my body wants to go on the floor. Spinning around until I collapse, panting and dizzy. The songs give me peace and often are the background in many of my more reflective pieces. I wish you could hear it.
at 12:21 AM
Suddenly the world isn't such a bad place after all. A few choice words, a gesture, and I feel beautiful.
Mother-of-mine is laughingly threatening to take back the diamond pendant they gave me as a graduation present. She loves how it looks on my neck.
"I think I'll take it back," she said.
"NO!" I said.
"You did ask for a SLR camera, didn't you?"
"Yes. But I'm not giving this pendant back!" I was like a five year old, refusing to share her toys.
It's a grand night to be alive. I love the world tonight.
"Athena was the Virgin Goddess of Wisdom and so much more. She was totally rockin'! Her only downside was that she was sorta misogynist. But hey, we all have our faults. She was a very popular goddess and was always there to help out the people she liked. Basically, you're the kind of person that's good to have around."
No earlier flight home to Eeyore. Sad. But on wait list. Very iffy.
Probably going to miss Orientation Lecture. Double sad. Missed out on Orientation Camp five years ago. Was triple sad, but what to do. No flight home at suitable time then. Same thing now.
*pout* Quadruple sad.
at 3:27 AM
I have to go and be stupid for a while. Life is not meant to be too serious.
However, my usual 'be stupid' mates aren't around. Damn.
Things I want to be doing right now.
1. Laugh.
2. Cappucino, and perhaps a vanilla slice.
3. Speaking of silly things with GuyFriend and Superduperglorious Friend, and perhaps Thorny.
4. Chocolate ice cream.
5. Chocolat, or Lord of the Rings, or Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone, or perhaps Fiddler on the Roof.
6. Dream.
at 3:11 AM
I was asked on Saturday night what was the most important thing that I'd learnt after 22 years of living.
Mark had asked, "You're one the oldest among us. Provide us with some of your wisdom. What important things have you learnt? What did you think about as you turned 22?"
"Woah," I thought. "I'm not ready for this question. What the hell do I do with it?"
I gave a glib answer and grinned at the collected company. I went home, slept on it, and now I think aloud the answers to those questions.
I learnt on my 22nd birthday that a birthday is just like any other day. The sun rises, and it sets. Then it rises again, and sets again. A birthday is just another day. When I turned 22, I was in the midst of completing the first stage of my engineering design project - a feasibility study on a coal-fired power plant somewhere, anywhere in the world. It was due the week after my birthday and so I was buggered as hell, stressing about it. Because we were all stressing out, I decided not to make a big deal out of it. And so after warning my team mates I was taking the morning off, I slept in. I came into uni in the afternoon and worked on the project. I came home, made dinner for the boys and went to bed. That was my 22nd birthday. Very quiet, non-eventful, and beyond an acknowledgement of the date, absolutely no fanfare. I must say I liked it that way. No fuss, and plenty of me-time to think and reflect absently about the day.
What other things have I learnt since then?
I learnt the value of friendship. I made a new friend, and renewed an old friendship. Thinking about these two people and how they've helped me to develop me makes me cry in gratitude for their presence in my life.
I am trying to come to terms with being an 'adult' and with all the responsibilities that comes with it. I am resisting it. There are so many good things about being a child.
Happiness is the ultimate goal. Money might make things happen, but it'll never satisfy the longing in your soul.
Christian said in Moulin Rouge, "The greatest thing in the world is to love, and be loved in return." I say, for the moment, it is enough to learn how to love. To love, and be loved in return shall come when I am ready for it.
Laughter is a wonderful tonic, and antidepressant.
Books are an eye-opener. And music. Music is my lifeblood.
Sunday, January 27, 2002
at 9:23 PM
Unlike Sleeping Beauty who woke up from her hundred year old sleep in apparent good humour, I wake from my naps distinctly grumpy and out of sorts. As I did today.
I trudged downstairs and sat in silence in the living room, blinking owlishly at my parents.
*pause*
*blinks owlishly at screen*
Bah, that third to last sentence wasn't going anywhere. I was going to jot down something about Saturday night, but the brain's not in working order yet. Yes, I'm aware it's Sunday evening. Don't talk to me. I'm grumpy, I can't think straight yet, and icq's blinking madly at me.
However. Thank you to Andrea and Joyce for linking me.
That sentence didn't make sense. *frowns distractedly*
Friday, January 25, 2002
at 1:32 PM
A conversation with self at a shoe store.
ianthe:omg, look at those shoes. they're beautiful. i have to try them on!
self: it's open-toed.
ianthe: so? they're gorgeous. look at them on my feet! beautiful! oooh, i could die for them!
self: they're heeled. you'll die in them.
ianthe: no, i won't. it's so comfortable.
self: that's what you said the last time, and those shoes nearly killed you at the formal.
ianthe: oh shut up, they're beautiful. i must have them.
self: you already have three pairs of open-toed shoes.
ianthe: so? look at these. i'm taller. i look good. i feel good. i am the amazing woman.
self: you already have three pairs of open-toed shoes.
*ianthe sticks fingers in ears* ianthe: not listening, not listening, not listening!!!
*ianthe unsticks fingers* ianthe: stuff you, self. i'm buying 'em.
And ianthe comes home with a pair of black, open-toed strappy shoes.
Thursday, January 24, 2002
at 1:05 PM
Oh, the headiness of a crush.
Frantic whispers, giggles galore
backward glances and girly gushings
noting every single superficial detail
living for that moment when his eyes meets mine …
only to blush furiously.
flirting games, and flashing eyes
hair flips, and swinging hips
Remember those?
Ah, the games of our youth revisited
Tuesday, January 22, 2002
at 2:32 PM
Tell me again why I decided to return home this year. Tell me again why I decided a near two-month stay. Tell me again what is left here – apart from family.
I miss my things around me. My books, my two year old unfinished knitting project, Eeyore whom I left behind on this trip, my box of photographic memories, my curl-up corner on my bed, my kitchen, the tired looking Nimbus, my flowers, my scratched beat up alarm clock. I miss my room. The dear homey house, with photographs lining the mantelpiece and scattered around the living room, that corny print of angels I got for my 21st on the wall, and the bottles of wine above our heads in the kitchen. I miss Jason’s elephantine strides in his morning rush to get to work. I miss FOX FM, and TTFM, the City, and I miss my sense of freedom.
Most of all, I miss my sense of freedom and individuality. Mum and Dad aren’t medieval by any standards now, but there is always a sense of restriction when I come home. Partly due to the limited access I have to the cars, I guess. But where do I go in this one horse town, and whom do I go with? The place has changed in the 7/8 years I have been away. Even given the periodic lengthy stays I’ve had since I left has not eradicated the sense of being a stranger here. Ex-classmates are merely acquaintances now, old friends being flung all over the world. I make the effort though to see people, to retain some sort of contact. But, it’s hard to slip into a common, shared camaraderie. I’ve become a stranger to them.
It’s lonely – more so than in Melbourne. I wonder why.
But I do have my contacts. Ergo, that is why mine eyes are tired. Contacts are a strain if I wear them too long, and I have. From the moment I get up in the morning to the last shower of the day. And this I do till the new pair is ready to be picked up, on Wednesday. Such torture.
Meanwhile, if my eyes gets too tired, I suppose I could enjoy the world through extremely blurred vision. And hope I don't get too many bumps and bruises.
Friday, January 18, 2002
at 5:50 PM
I fell in love with Beautiful, by Estee Lauder, when I was a-wandering around David Jones when Superduperglorious Friend was in town last month. And I've been obsessed with it since. I had to get a bottle somehow, somewhere, but ONLY at the right price - Mother-of-mine's financial training holds strong.
Passing through duty free at Tullamarine Airport, I spotted it at AUS$71. Last night I saw it at RM173. Went looking for it online to compare prices and finally found it for AUS$85 on efragrance. However, efragrance has run out of Beautiful. Fate is hinting something to me.
Someone remind me to get a bottle before I go through customs at Tullamarine.
Incidentally, did you know Beautiful has been around since 1985? I certainly didn't. Where have I been? Stuck in the engineering lab with loads of thick-headed males.
efragrance touts it as "a classic floral fragrance for women". "Buy it for yourself and stay beautiful." What a load of advertising crap!
But it works.
at 1:08 PM
My head is spinning from timetable planning. Or perhaps it is hunger. I have not seen breakfast yet.
However, I now have a rough draft of next semester's timetable, and I am pleased to announce that unless I take another teaching method, or another subject, I have two free days. TWO DAYS, one of which is a Friday. TWO DAYS!
1. Miss California, Dante Thomas 2. Family Affair, Mary J. Blige 3. In the wee small hours, Carly Simon 4. Queen of my heart, Westlife 5. Don't stop movin', S Club 7 6. There you'll be, Faith Hill 7. Send in the clowns, Barbara Streisand 8. Hey Baby, No Doubt 9. Out here on my own, Fame Soundtrack 10. I sing the body electric, Fame Soundtrack 11. I'm going to live forever, Fame Soundtrack
And now, my feet are itching to go. My body pulses with the beat and I'm infused with the joy that music brings to me.
Wednesday, January 16, 2002
at 12:18 AM
Father-of-mine is smiling, happy and teasing. He peers over my shoulder as I do my research for next semester, reading aloud some of the paragraphs. He asks me questions, which I answer abstractely, my concentration fierce upon the words on the screen.
I am going back to school. Many parts of me are excited, convinced that this is it. This is where pleasing me begins, and pleasing others ends. Other parts of me are hesistant and a little anxious, because, after all, the future is an unknown.
Father and Mother-of-mine are surprisingly, and wonderfully supportive. They didn't make the decision for me, although Mother-of-mine played the devil's advocate just to see if I would crumble. But again, surprisingly, I didn't. The more Mother-of-mine questioned, the clearer the future became.
This is the path I should take, and this is the path I will take.
Monday, January 14, 2002
at 1:26 PM
Place me before you,
a veritable feast of delights and opportunities
and I hesistate ...
undecided and clinging to before.
Change is constant, but change
is hard.
I lack the courage to step forward
alone and unsupported.
Lend me courage, and step with me.
But first, let me feast my eyes upon the
wonders of you
to acknowledge you and to praise you
to finally decide the ultimate
then smile your sweetest ..
It's a lovely night tonight. Perfect for curling up and thinking pretty thoughts about the moon. Also of airy dreams and flying ships.
I feel as if I could dance upon the clouds, so light I feel.
Saturday, January 12, 2002
at 10:15 PM
Sobfest came and went. Tired, and sore-eyed. But at peace and quiet. My radiance is back and I love myself unconditionally again.
Quiet sobs from the stomach as I lay curled up on my right. Acknowledged the loneliness I was feeling, came to terms with it and with me. The slight ache that was there is gone, my heart is light again. And this came into my head on the way home.
"I love you, but my world does not revolve around you."
Browny red and semi-matte. Non-oily, non-smeary, and light, light on the lips. Goes on smooth and is glorious, glorious, glorious. It makes me feel beautiful, and alluring, and all the things a woman should feel.
I'm reminded of Alex from The secret life of us.
"I love these shoes. I love, love, love these shoes."
Thursday, January 10, 2002
at 3:01 PM
Sobfest due. But then I've been saying that for months now. This time, it must have been brought on by Pearl Harbour, which I found in the TV cabinet a few days ago.
It was a beautiful story. Definitely a two-tissue movie.
I can see why there were folks returning to watch it a second time.
at 3:14 AM
Smoke in my hair, and a teeny amount of vodka in me. Watching them play pool while I lounged on the faux leather seat, feeling sorry for myself. Dinner with my brother's mates have depressed me. I just couldn't be the person they knew for years tonight. The sister of a pal, whom they consider a pal too, in many ways.
"What's wrong with you, tonight? Not very happy-like," Mark commented.
I smiled and changed the subject.
I'm not rightly sure what's happening at the moment. Perhaps, I do. But I'm choosing to ignore what my conscious self is telling me. It's far too dangerous to dwell upon, because it will mean changes.
I don't cope well with those type of changes.
Wednesday, January 09, 2002
at 12:06 PM
Another illusion shattered. Another pedestal personality crashing down to earth. Vastly disappointed, a little sad.
Tuesday, January 08, 2002
at 5:28 PM ... you take my hand
it feels like home
we both understand
it's where we belong ,,,
- Queen of my heart, Westlife
"How was it? He promised me running water," I said, pointing to Dad, " but there weren't any. I've got rashes and bites all over from the nyamuk! It was hot and there were too many nyamuk!!"
They both laughed. Meanies. So I am totally unsuited to roughing it in the jungles of Borneo. As Jason constantly says, whatever!
At least I gained one thing from that impromptu trip. My cousin's 9 and 7 year old daughters, whom I have not seen since they were knee high to a grasshopper, now refer to Denning as Aunty BooBoo, and me as Uncle Chik Chik. Charming, I thought.
Wednesday, January 02, 2002
at 7:00 PM
Monsoon season. I should have remembered.
Wet outside. Very. Some may say I'd brought the rain with me from Home, as I apparently did when I went a-wandering in New Zealand. And I would have grinned at them, and threatened to deck them. And we would all have a good laugh. But they're there and everywhere, so they can't say it, and I shall have some peace. Meanwhile, it continues to rain.
It's strange being back here in Hometown. Seems very quiet, and lonely. I rang a few people this morning, and ended up leaving messages. It feels like I know noone here, that I'm isolated. But then it's only been two days. Perhaps I've always felt this way in the beginning of the annual pilgrimage. Perhaps, I just don't remember the past beginnings. I just remember the ends.
Dad wants me to go up country to visit some relatives I've never met before, this weekend. His main excuse being he wants to buy some land from one of them, and wants to negotiate face to face. Mum quipped at lunch, "He wants to show you off to them." To which, I said, "I've never met this people in my life! I'd feel uncomfortable. And I hate travelling by car hours at end."
Really, I do. Meeting distant cousins on a different branch of the family is not my idea of fun. But I guess, eventually, I would go. Just to please Dad. But meanwhile, I'm very reluctant at heart. For many a reason.
at 3:22 PM
Back in Hometown for the summer. It's awfully muggy - a storm is threatening. Feeling tired and headachey, mainly due to the long flight and dehydration I guess.
ICQ is frustrating me no end today. Numbers that worked at Home does not seem to want to work in Hometown. 'most curious, as Alice said. Missing people something dreadful - something I never thought I would actually acknowledge out loud. But I guess, 2001 has been a wonderful growth year. Here's to 2002.
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